With reports that CC Sabathia and Jake Peavy prefer to remain in the National League, that Derek Lowe longs to return to Boston and that Mark Teixeira wouldn’t mind landing in his home state of Maryland, I’m feeling slighted. What’s wrong with playing for the Yankees, people? They’re a first-class organization with a brand new ballpark and 26 World Championships. Plus, they pay well. You could do worse, believe me.
So in case CC, Jake, Tex, A.J. and others are reading this, I’ve put together a little “Why You Should Sign With the New York Yankees” post for you.
For starters, I found you a house. Well, it’s kind of a mansion.
It’s in Westchester County, where lots of rich Yankees live (about 25 minutes outside the city). It sits on its very own peninsula overlooking the Long Island Sound, so you’ll have plenty of privacy. There are 4 bedrooms and 6 baths – 8,531 square feet of luxury. All for a mere $16.5 million. Sound good so far?
You’ll also need a place in Manhattan, and I found you just the spot – in the apartment complex where lots of celebrities live right next to Central Park.
Impressive, huh? You’ll be neighbors with Denzel Washington (big Yankee fan), Sting and NASCAR’s Jeff Gordon. You’ll have a workout facility, sauna and spa treatment rooms, a 75′ pool, even an in-house private chef. It’s a pricey address, but you’ll be able to handle it.
Now, let’s show you what NY has to offer, beginning with food. Girardi doesn’t let the players have candy in the clubhouse, but the city will more than meet your cravings.
You like steak?
We’ve got The Post House, Sparks, you name it. How about a nice pastrami sandwich?
Get ready for tons of great Jewish delis. And how about some real New York cheesecake?
Yum. Oh, and if you want an elegant French dinner (say, if you’re trying to impress the guys who knew you before your big contract), take them to Daniel.
Swanky, swanky place. And hey, you’ll need great clothes when you go out. You don’t want to look tacky next to Jeter and A-Rod.
No need to shop at one of those big-and-tall men’s stores. New York has Armani. (Can’t say that about Baltimore, can you, Tex?)
And New York has nightlife.
O.K. I’m trying to be discreet with that last picture. We’re talking about a “gentlemen’s club,” where there are over 120 exotic dancers. Lap dance responsibly, please.
And finally, I’d like to remind you that if you become a famous, beloved Yankee, you just might get your own restaurant like The Mick did.
no Rivera has a restaurant too. Anything can happen when you put on the pinstripes.
Hope I’ve convinced one or more of you to sign. It’ll be fun, I swear.