How the Yanks Can Unload Those 7 Remaining Luxury Boxes

stadium.jpg
As everyone has heard by now, Yankees Chief Operating Officer Lonn Trost admitted that 7 of the 56 “luxury suites” at the new Stadium remain available at $600,000 each. Which is another way of saying they just can’t sell the turkeys. Lonn (I hope he doesn’t mind me calling him by his interesting first name) blamed the economy, but I’m wondering if it’s the accommodations themselves that are lacking. I mean, are they worth $600,000? Do they come with everything a New York titan would want in a luxury box?
Lonn said his primary goal with the new Yankee Stadium was “to elevate the fan experience.” But does that apply to the really rich fan’s experience too?
Sure, the luxury suites will have flat-screened, high-def TVs showing not only live games but weather and traffic reports. And the really rich fans will be able to order food whenever the mood strikes. No need to call Domino’s.
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Or shlep to the Hebrew National concession stands like the rest of us.
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The really rich fans will have their own personal waiter and bartender, naturally.
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Not impressed? Neither am I. Not for $600,000. More is required. So here are my suggestions for how to sell the 7 remaining luxury boxes. Lonn? Please pay attention.
For starters, I’d install one of these in the suites. The Bronx gets hot in the summer, and really rich fans deserve to cool off in privacy.
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In addition to the Jacuzzis, the suites must have comfy chairs covered in fine corinthian leather.
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Another necessity – especially if the game is a tense pitcher’s duel and the really rich fans feel tightness in the neck and shoulders – is this.
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Conversely, if the game is really boring there should be the option of having this.
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For the really rich fans who are focused on what’s happening on the field and want to exert control over the situation, a special phone should be installed.
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Their calls will go straight to the dugout. Just imagine! They can call Girardi if they think he’s not managing the game properly. They can demand to speak to Dave Eiland if they want to criticize his pitching moves. Or maybe it’s Kevin Long they’ll want to blame when A-Rod hits into a rally-killing double play. They’ll even be able to call Gene Monahan if they pull a hammy. Wow, right?
And – get this – the really rich fans will be able to argue balls and strikes! They can’t be thrown out of the game, so why not pick up that phone and summon the crew chief to their suite?
timwelke.jpg
Oh, and they should be able to make announcements on the scoreboard simply by pressing a button. Instead of suffering through everybody’s Happy Birthdays, they can send a personal message directly to their employees, spouses, kids, whatever – right where the score usually goes.
scoreboard.jpg
The suites should also be wired so that the really rich fans can take a turn imitating Bob Sheppard during the game and intone the words “Der-ek Jet-ah” for all to hear.
microphone.jpg
(Yes, of course, the microphone should be solid gold. We’re talking about $600,000.)
And finally, the really rich fans in the luxury suites should be entitled to a post-game confab with the Yankees captain.
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They’ll have carte blanche to ask him anything and – here’s the biggie – he’ll be compelled to answer without resorting to cliches like: “Bottom line, we just need to win games.”
Sounds like a much better package than what the Yankees are currently offering, doesn’t it?

28 Comments

I would love to a stadium full of Barker Loungers, that would be awesome and worth the new price of admission for the new stadium. I could go for the solid gold mike with a chance to be Bob Sheppard for the day also. These are all great idea, call the marketing department and direct them to this post lol They could also have a “luxury suite raffle” before every game just to fill the seats. I think you would sell out every game 3 years in advance if every fan knew they had a shot to sit in one of those bad boys.

I like the idea of a raffle before every game to fill the empty luxury suites. Good one, Rad. And glad you like my suggestions. If only Lonn would listen.

That’s pretty tempting, but 1) I’m not a Yankees fan, 2) I would never have enough money, and 3) I don’t live anywhere near New York. It’s a nice thought though. I would love to be able to talk on the gold microphone like an announcer. That would be cool.
http://kaybee.mlblogs.com

Funny that the two commenters so far are enamored of the gold microphone idea. I think it would be the opportunity to call down to the dugout that would make me pony up (if I had the $$$).

Sorry about the mistake in the post Jane, the erro has since been fixed, I’m sure Hank will be very dissapointed🙂 Although Hal should be delighted

You’re forgiven, Rad. And most importantly, Hal has forgiven you.

Jane I think your blog is extremely funny. You use visuals very well. Im adding you to my blog roll on Yankeesguy.blogspot.com. Stop by and check it out. I may not have 600,000 for one of these boxes. But maybe there is a box out on the street that I can get for $6 ? I would love to talk to you about your book as well. drop me a note.

Mike

Even though Jeter throws generic lines at all of us, he never gets into trouble via the media. I would like more of his true opinion revealed, but I cannot knock him for wanting to keep all that stuff within the clubhouse either.

http://statisticianmagician.mlblogs.com/

You know I’m still not sold. I have the $600,000, but I’m just not willing to spend it on a luxury suite. What would put me over the top is if I can be invited to organizational meetings and have Cashman’s personal cell phone number so I can share my trade ideas with him whenever I so please.

Hey, Mike. I’ll definitely check out your blog. Thanks for the kind words about mine. But a $6 box on the street? You’d be hounded by all those vendors selling knockoff T-shirts.

Jeter’s “generic lines” are the beauty of the Captain. He never makes himself the story. It’s a gift, but there are times when I wish he’d give us more.

Rats. I should have added that all luxury suite buyers DO get Cashman’s cell number. My bad.

Jane, I’m a Red Sox fan – but I do enjoy your post! Sorry I don’t have $600,000 to help out the Yankees – oh yeah, I probably wouldn’t help them even if I did! Thanks for the positive comments on my blog – us ladies need to keep cheering on our baseball teams! And yes, I will be pulling for the Red Sox this year and if I had to offer the Yankees some advice it would be this – don’t sign Manny! http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

Welcome, Julia. I hear you on the Manny issue. My brother-in-law in New Hampshire (diehard RS fan) swears that Manny will end up on the “Skanks,” as he calls my beloved team. I just can’t see it, but then I’ve been surprised many times before.

Have you been in California that long that you’ve forgotten the beauty of real New York pizza?
http://paullebowitz.mlblogs.com/

Oh, the pizza. It does look sort of California Pizza Kitchen-ish, Paul. Out here we put things like broccoli on pizza, so I’ve completely lost my way. I need to spend more time in NY for sure.

California Pizza Kitchen’s ayight. I’ve eaten there a couple of times. Once in LA I had the lasagna stuffed with eggplant and it was quite good; another time in Washington, I got a pizza and it too was pretty good. Not a NY slice, but FAAAAAR better than the fast food/chain pizzas.
http://paullebowitz.mlblogs.com/

Perhaps I should have a food blog. When I posted that photo of a juicy, rare steak a few entries back, it got quite a few comments. Yes, a food blog is next with a cookbook to follow called “Confessions of a She-Cook.”

Wow, the luxury suites themselves sound great, but you should think about picking up a career on the side, in interior designing. All of these assets would make the suite truly worth the $600,000. I’ve really got to visit this Yankee stadium, don’t I? I regret it enough already not seeing the last one😦. I’ll make sure to do so at a Red Sox vs Yankees series though.
-Elizabeth

Right, Elizabeth! I’ll write a book called “Confessions of a She-Decorator!” I wish you could have seen the old Stadium, but the new one will be great. But if you do go to see the Sox there, promise me you won’t sing “Sweet Caroline.”

“Confessions of a She-Cook/Ace reporter” Now there’s a book idea.

BTW, did you know there was a “Confessions” MLBLog before you? It’s kind of been abandoned since he is no longer a Major Leaguer. Yours showed an anatomy of a heart, his an anatomy of an elbow. http://briananderson.mlblogs.com

I’m some ace reporter but thanks for saying so, marks8.

I didn’t know where was a previous “Confessions” blog, Mark. So Brian Anderson beat me to it! Hope his surgery went well.

Being one of those not-as-rich folk, I can’t quite imagine what it would be like to be in one of those, but I’m sure the rich people would enjoy it.
http://newmexicanyanksfan.mlblogs.com

For $600,000 they’d better enjoy it, neal! Even without all my “extras.”

Um…
That’s more than my house.
Kylie — http://kylie.mlblogs.com

Jane, where do you get all of those outstanding pictures? The one of the mic is superb! Makes me want one!
–Jeff
http://redstatebluestate.mlblogs.com/

It’s more than most people’s houses, Kylie. That’s why they’re having trouble selling them. I would guess the corporations that usually pony up are, instead, cutting back.

The gold mic is truly cool, Jeff. I found it when I was doing a search for microphones. It probably costs $600,000 too.

maybe i’m too late for this entry, but if anyone wants to see what the luxury suites look like, here’re some pictures courtesy of pbase.com and Julio Rodriguez..

http://www.pbase.com/skelzie/suites

(check out the pictures named “Pan 2” and “The luxury seats”. what a view!!!!!)

Pinstripes in the bathroom. Now you’re talking! Thanks for these, levelboss.

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