October 2008
A-Rod’s Risky Business
Yankee fans who are regulars over at Peter Abraham’s blog have already seen this, but I couldn’t resist posting it too. It’s a TV commercial for the Guitar Hero World Tour and it’s a rip off of Tom Cruise’s underwear scene in the movie “Risky Business.” Starring in the commercial is A-Rod, among others. My suggestion to him? Don’t give up your day job and let Madonna do the musical shtick.
Also on Peter’s blog….Larry Bowa is staying with the Dodgers as third base coach. Guess he didn’t read that post I wrote about the charms of New York (the one with the steak and the cheesecake).
Rays-Phillies Game 2: Ryan Howard Needs Help
Howard did have two hits in tonight’s loss to the Rays, but it’s clear he hasn’t been clutch in the postseason. Just look at how down in the dumps he seems while Tampa Bay celebrates.
Which makes me wonder….How does a guy with his home run power and ability to drive in runs suddenly go all spazzy at the plate? (I know, I know. I should ask A-Rod.) Charlie Manuel suggested Howard is “pressing” – the generic explanation used by managers whenever a player slumps. Manuel also expressed certainty that the situation would improve for his slugger – somehow.
But will it? Do slumps disappear on their own? If I were a Phillies fan, I’d want Howard to be a little more proactive about this. So I’m offering my own ideas for how he can stop pressing and start relaxing.
First, he should try…
Yes, meditation – so he can clear his mind of all thoughts of striking out with men on base.
If that doesn’t work….
Yes, yoga – to show him he can do anything and everything with that hulking body of his.
If he strikes out fails with that, he should try..
Yes, painting. It’s supposed to be a great release.
Then there’s….
Yes, acupuncture – if he isn’t afraid of needles.
And finally there’s always…
Yes, psychotherapy. I’m sure the Phillies would pay for all the necessary sessions.
I’m rooting for the Rays, so I don’t have a personal stake in Howard’s success. I’m just saying. Try SOMETHING, people.
Rays-Phillies Game 1: Cole Hamels for President
Yes, I believe he should throw his cap into the ring. Consider all his positives:
* Consistent (notched his fourth consecutive postseason win tonight)
* Cool under pressure (only surrendered two runs over seven innings)
* Connects with “real Americans” (not just Pennsylvanians but Joe the Plumber too)
* Can really multitask (once pitched while trick-or-treating for Halloween)
* Appeals to women (obviously).
Does he have the experience to be president? That’s what you’re asking yourself. It’s true that he’s just 24 and has pitched in the majors for a mere two seasons. But don’t we need change? Someone who can inspire us with his youth and vigor? I mean, we’ve had years and years of Jamie Moyer and are we really better off?
Oops. There’s a problem with his candidacy. He doesn’t sound presidential. Not at all. Have a look.
But seriously. He did a great job tonight keeping the Rays under control. I’d take him in a nanosecond if he ever wanted to play for the Yankees. Duh.
Calling All Free Agents (The Really Good Ones)
With reports that CC Sabathia and Jake Peavy prefer to remain in the National League, that Derek Lowe longs to return to Boston and that Mark Teixeira wouldn’t mind landing in his home state of Maryland, I’m feeling slighted. What’s wrong with playing for the Yankees, people? They’re a first-class organization with a brand new ballpark and 26 World Championships. Plus, they pay well. You could do worse, believe me.
So in case CC, Jake, Tex, A.J. and others are reading this, I’ve put together a little “Why You Should Sign With the New York Yankees” post for you.
For starters, I found you a house. Well, it’s kind of a mansion.
It’s in Westchester County, where lots of rich Yankees live (about 25 minutes outside the city). It sits on its very own peninsula overlooking the Long Island Sound, so you’ll have plenty of privacy. There are 4 bedrooms and 6 baths – 8,531 square feet of luxury. All for a mere $16.5 million. Sound good so far?You’ll also need a place in Manhattan, and I found you just the spot – in the apartment complex where lots of celebrities live right next to Central Park.
Impressive, huh? You’ll be neighbors with Denzel Washington (big Yankee fan), Sting and NASCAR’s Jeff Gordon. You’ll have a workout facility, sauna and spa treatment rooms, a 75′ pool, even an in-house private chef. It’s a pricey address, but you’ll be able to handle it.
Now, let’s show you what NY has to offer, beginning with food. Girardi doesn’t let the players have candy in the clubhouse, but the city will more than meet your cravings.
You like steak?
We’ve got The Post House, Sparks, you name it. How about a nice pastrami sandwich?
Get ready for tons of great Jewish delis. And how about some real New York cheesecake?
Yum. Oh, and if you want an elegant French dinner (say, if you’re trying to impress the guys who knew you before your big contract), take them to Daniel.
Swanky, swanky place. And hey, you’ll need great clothes when you go out. You don’t want to look tacky next to Jeter and A-Rod.
No need to shop at one of those big-and-tall men’s stores. New York has Armani. (Can’t say that about Baltimore, can you, Tex?)
And New York has nightlife.
O.K. I’m trying to be discreet with that last picture. We’re talking about a “gentlemen’s club,” where there are over 120 exotic dancers. Lap dance responsibly, please.
And finally, I’d like to remind you that if you become a famous, beloved Yankee, you just might get your own restaurant like The Mick did.
Maria
no Rivera has a restaurant too. Anything can happen when you put on the pinstripes.
no Rivera has a restaurant too. Anything can happen when you put on the pinstripes.
Hope I’ve convinced one or more of you to sign. It’ll be fun, I swear.
More Real Estate on the Market – Make an Offer
Now that we’ve all had an aerial look at A-Rod’s Miami mansion that’s currently for sale, here’s another listing of note.
It’s Derek Lowe’s Mediterranean-style house in Manhattan Beach (south of L.A.). Built two years ago, the 4,260 square-foot residence owned by the Dodgers pitcher/free agent consists of four bedrooms and five baths, plus (and this is a big selling point) a heated floor in the master bathroom – perfect for those damp, chilly mornings in coastal California. But wait! There’s more! Just a half-block from the ocean, the house boasts water views galore, not to mention a gourmet kitchen for your personal chef!
All this for only $5.7 million. Cheap compared to A-Rod’s place, right? Where does Lowe think he’s going?
Anything is possible. The question is: Do Yankee fans want him in NY? Speaking for myself, I think he’d get clobbered by AL hitters if he came back to the league. But then I have zero credibility. I thought Javier Vasquez was a good signing and look how that turned out.
Rays-Red Sox Game 7: Cinderella Wins
The fairy tale ended happily for the baseball team known as the…
But the magic vanished for the Red Sox and they didn’t get the trip to Disneyland after all. I’d like to thank the Sox for an entertaining ALCS. I’d also like to give a shoutout to Primo, a frequent commenter on this blog, for being the only one to predict a Rays victory tonight. (Primo: Are you available for psychic readings?)
Tampa Bay’s Cinderella story brought a tear to my eye as I watched Cinderfella himself
struggle valiantly before being rescued by David Price Charming
with an assist from all their friends, including tonight’s fun-loving characters.
It was heartwarming to watch them and their fairy godfather
escape the clutches of Boston’s wicked stepbrothers.
The Rays’ dream-come-true story isn’t over, of course. They still need to conquer the evildoers from Philadelphia. But if we all wish upon a star, maybe – just maybe – the next World Series will be played not here…
but here.
Rays-Red Sox Game 6: I’ll Get to It in a Sec….
There is breaking news out of Yankeeville. No, A-Rod didn’t opt in or out of his contract or have Scott Boras announce that he’s marrying Madonna. It was Joba who upstaged the proceedings. Seems he was driving his BMW down a Lincoln, Nebraska highway at 1 a.m. and – surprise! – he was drunk! When the police pulled him over for speeding, they discovered alcohol on his breath and an open “container” of booze on the passenger seat (hope it wasn’t that cheap wine that comes in a box – euww). So while we were all watching baseball and cursing out TBS, young Mr. Chamberlain was being arrested for a DUI.
The cops haven’t released the mug shot yet, so this will have to do.
O.K. On to tonight’s game. The Rays were feeble – like a different club after having been slapped down to earth on Thursday night. Beckett, who was not the dominating pitcher of old, was still good enough to flatten their offense. (What’s with that white pendant he always wears? It looks like a Life Alert thingie from the commercial where the old lady goes, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”) And the Ray’s pen continued to have more holes than Swiss cheese. Can they regroup and beat the Red Sox tomorrow? I doubt it. I’m predicting an all-red World Series, which will require us to adjust the contrast on our TVs.
Back to Joba. I’m sure he’s too busy arranging bail and apologizing to Cashman to be sitting in his holding cell reading my blog. But if he is, indeed, reading it, here’s a little clip that just might sober him up.
A Fun Read for Yankee Fans
David Horne, a member of our blogging community and a frequent commenter here, sent me a copy of the book he recently co-authored. I’m not someone who pays a lot of attention to stats, but this book is fascinating and informative. If you love Yankees trivia, this is the reference for you. Its sports-by-the-numbers approach is unique, with each number between 1 and 1,000 assigned a specific fact/record/anomaly in Yankees history. For example….
#53: The number of doubles for Don Mattingly in 1986 – the third consecutive season Mattingly led the league in doubles. He not only set a career high, but also set a franchise record for most doubles in a season.
#242: The number of home runs for the Yankees in 2004 – a franchise record. A-Rod and Sheffield led the club with 36 homers each; Matsui hit 31; and nine different players hit at least 12.
#591: The winning percentage for manager Billy Martin during eight seasons in the Bronx. He posted a 556-385 record during his tenure, plus two pennants and a World Series championship.
You get the picture. There are also short chapters on Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Thurman Munson, Paul O’Neill and others, plus a foreword by the NY Post’s Mike Vaccaro, who says about the book: “You’ll lose yourself in baseball, in history, in numbers, and in the New York Yankees. I envy you. I can’t think of a better way to pass the next couple of hours.”
Here’s the amazon link in case anyone’s interested in making a purchase.
Movie Break
With no baseball to watch (I can’t imagine what I’ll do after the World Series is over), I went to see the Oliver Stone movie “W.” Josh Brolin absolutely nails George Bush’s accent and mannerisms, but the movie itself is like a “Saturday Night Live” parody that lasts forever and bores you to tears. I think I nodded out a couple of times. The trailer is much more entertaining.
.
mlblogsjaneheller
Recent Comments