O.K. The way this works is we forget about what the Yankees’ Tampa faction wants (we don’t really know who’s running things down there anyway). And we forget about what our G.M. wants (we don’t know yet if our G.M. is even coming back). This show is about the fans and what WE want. So here are the leading contenders for “Who Wants to Pitch for the Yankees.” The winner receives a zillion-dollar contract, a penthouse apartment in Manhattan in the same building as either Jeter or A-Rod, and the opportunity to be among the first to pitch in brand new, luxurious Yankee Stadium where the clubhouse won’t have candy and other junk food but will have plenty of protein bars.
Contestant #1. He hails from Vallejo, CA, is 28 years old, is 6′ 7″ tall, and weighs 290 lbs (yeah, sure he does). Supposedly, he doesn’t want to play in New York. Imagine that.
Contestant #2. He was born in North Little Rock, AK, is 31 years old, is 6′ 5″ tall, and weighs 230 lbs. He’s been on the DL a lot but has always managed to kill the Yankees. (Other teams? Not so much.) Personally, I could live without the Randy Johnson scowl.
Contestant #3. He’s a Baton Rouge, LA boy, is 30 years old, stands at 6′ 1″, and weighs 226 lbs (pretty puny compared to the first contestant, but then most people are). Is he healthy enough? Does pitching well in the NL mean anything in the AL? Up to US to decide.
Contestant #4. He comes from Dearborn, MI, is 35 years old (kind of old, unless you’re Mussina), is 6′ 6″ tall and weighs in at 230 lbs. Yes, he was a Red Sox castoff but so were Roger Clemens and Sparky Lyle (oh, and Babe Ruth).
And finally, here’s contestant #5. He needs no introduction.
Just kidding. The Orioles can keep Daniel Cabrera. He’s not even a free agent. I put him in here because I can’t stand him for hitting Jeter and practically every other Yankee. Actually, I think we should go after him, if only to keep our players safe.